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Damaged.

You know, until you said it today, I had never thought of myself as that. It’s so strange, to hear someone say something so true about you and realize that it had never occurred to you before. Maybe I had considered myself hurt before, but I never saw it as something permanent, but it was like I had an epiphany today. That’s what I am. I’m damaged. And until someone can come along and fix me, that’s how I’ll always be.

Which made me wonder…Do I really want to be put back together by someone else? I hate hearing myself think that I need to be “fixed” because I don’t. Because my entire life, I’ve told myself that nothing is “wrong” with me, it’s just that stuff is wrong with my life. And yet, to some extent, I’m not whole. I never will be again.

Does that make me broken?  I hope not. Being damaged doesn’t make you broken. Things get damaged, but they’re still useable. I think broken and damaged are two completely different things, and sure, I might be damaged, but I can function just like any other person in the world. I’m sitting here listening to my Smile Empty Soul music, and it fills me up with this sense of completion almost. That having recognized that something is missing from my life and acknowledging that it’s a hole that will probably never be filled, I’ve realized that it’s okay and that I can go through life damaged yet still functioning. And just knowing that this hole will never be filled almost makes the hole shrink a size and stop mattering so much.

It really is true, how everything little thing matters, and although you might not realize it, today’s conversation has showed me so much about myself. Thanks a lot. I owe you one for sure.

<3 - Jess

OMG GUYS. IT'S THE LAST DAY OF THE YEAR. I HAD TO BLOG. BECAUSE. SO.

Okay, so yeah...IT'S ALL COMING TO AN END! AHHHHHHHHHHH! Sorry, I'm kinda in a freaking out mood right now. This year. Is. Ending. Like. O. M. G. So yeah, Jess is like, woaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Um, according to Johnny, our APUSH test is thursday. Uh-Oh, that pretty much means I'm screwed! But whatever...Getting used to it.

Also according to Johnny, I should make New Years Resolutions...which I have no intention of doing. xD I mean, I would, but it would be time consuming and stressful. If I change my mind, I'll come back and write it, okay?

So in any case, this is my year in review:

Wait, am I seriously going to do this? No. My year was full of ups and downs and it's too much to sum up. Basically, like every other year, I LOVED IT. Because I love all of this, including all the sucky stuff that I hafta go through like living in Shanghai and whatever. No regrets. Just love. So I'm happy, and I'm going into this year expecting it to be no less than the last. I'm ready for whatever life will hurl at me, so start hurling. xD

Happy New Years everybody! I hope that this one will be just as good if not better than the last!

<3 - Jess

Okay, so I was gonna blog...but uh...well so much has happened! And yesterday, I was like, I'm gonna write! And I wrote like fifty paragraphs, then I was like...no. Here's what I figure, I'm gonna stop writing so literally and write stories when I get back or something. Or on the plane. Who knows? As of now, I'm just waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too lazy to hardcore blog...so yeah. Luv y'all! Later!

<3 - Jess

Last night was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.G.G. It was awesome! I had soooooooooooo much fun! I seriously LOVE my friends. Here's the rundown:

My morning: Rather uneventful. Got up really early...Blogged. MSN'ed. Facebooked. The Usual. And then we went to our old place to get some laundry done and sifted through mountains of old mail. Then we out for breakfast (TIMMY'S! Haha, I'm SO Canadian) and went downtown to get some "business" stuff done with my mom. There was snow. I took a few pictures. We drove by the HMCS Hunter and I squealed a bit. We got back to the hotel around 11 and ordered pizza from ARMANDO'S! Okay, totally the best pizzaria in the world. Then I kinda went to sleep...and didn't get up til 7. xD

BOWLERO! Um, yeah, so I got there at 8 and Tigz and Aaron were the only two people there and they wanted to go to Tim Horton's so I was like, yeah sure and my mom drove us down. Then we had to walk back from Timmy's and we died. 15 minutes. -30 degree weather with windchill. Basically, it was killer. But awesome, because Timmy's is always worth it! Anywho, we got back and were freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing but we met up with everyone else (Liz, Bex, Taiji, Brig << Who I met for the first time yesterday, and Evan) and here's where the squealing and hugs and OMG!'s happened. And then someone brought up Lucier (our grade 8 teacher and also the man who happened to teach us all how to play poker during math. :] ) and we got a phone book and found his number and CALLED him using Tiger's phone! He thought we were being insane idiots but he said he'd try and come anyways because we are just that awesome!

It was early. Way early. Rock N' Bowl didn't start til 9:30, so I have no idea why Liz had us all come at 8...But there we were, and apparently they didn't mind if we just loitered until 9:30. We got bored real quick though, so we took ANOTHER trip to Starbucks (Taiji's idea). IT WAS COLD. REALLY REALLY COLD. We had to walk both ways this time, and once we got into Timmy's, no one wanted to leave...I snapped a few candids. Everyone in the coffee shop was staring at us. We relived some amazing moments...Odyssey ones mostly. (Hurricane's. Aaron. Pasta. 'Nuff said.) T'was awesome! And then we had to walk back...-sigh- I managed to twist my ankles only ONCE. That is like a record, especially since there was snow and ice EVERYWHERE. I was lucky I made it back alive! I also figured out that Aaron officially has the best music tastes in the world, so the next time he gets on MSN, I'm getting his ENTIRE library. :D

By the time we got back to Bowlero, we were like...shit the line is long. But then we realized that none of us actually wanted to bowl, we just wanted to sit around...and do nothing. So we stood in line just so we could get a lane, but that was about it. We talked more! And took more pics! And even a video, but it was really boring and stuff...so we're not gonna post it. Or at least I don't think we are? My camera ran outta batteries, which is going to be an issue seeing as my charger doesn't work here...uh oh! Haha, whatever, I'll borrow. We got a lane for four, except I didn't really actually wanna bowl, I just kinda payed cause...actually I don't know why I payed. I bowled like three times and I was like, someone else take my bowls, I really don't care...

Then Susan Ly showed up! With Stephen too, and as much as she denies it, she's totally stupid because they are totally gonna end up together! Ugh! Haha, Stephen looked really bored the entire time, like why the heck did I come? But whatever, she was probably at his house beforehand or something...-sigh- Oh, and Stephen got peri staff at Quadra, so he should be happy. Anywho, Lucier got there next (Taiji had already left at this point because her mom is anal about bedtimes) and we all talked about loads of stuff...And someone said something really funny/sexual but I forgot and I was going to put it up on facebook...But whatever. If I ever remember, I'll write it down...OH WAIT NO! AARON'S AMAZING BURN! Haha, here:

Evan: Hey, remember when you used to be tall?
Aaron: Hey, remember when you used to be straight?

SO AWESOME. Anywho, yeah...I think we said more than one (more like one million) hilarious and sexual thing so I'm not gonna try and remember those for you. We talked a lot about our grade eight year and stuff and Lucier's new classes and everything. They fail compared to us because we are by far the best class ever! And yeah, we chilled til like...11? When people started leaving one by one. Lucier stayed and we kept talking and he told me about how Victoria was doing (actually, it was more about how strange she still is but whatever...) and dissed a few of us majorly. Lucier is totally the best teacher in the history of existence! :D So yeah, Tigz and Aaron were last to leave at like11:30 and my mom came after that.

We spent the duration of the day and part of this morning at Wal-Mart! Thank goodness for 24-hour operational times! We got back to the hotel around 1 this morning and I went to sleep. Got up around 5ish and it's around 7:30 now. Me and my bro already had breakfast, but mom's still sleeping. I'll prolly wake her up around 9. I think we're doing mortgage stuff in the morning and going to the mall for the rest of the day, depends on if my little brother's still awake though. We'll see!

So yeah, I'll keep you guys updated on stuff here! Luv ya!

<3 - Jess

This is the reason I love Canada during this time of year. Everything is so HAPPY. It's unavoidable! Everywhere you go, there are painted windows and happy people and everyone is nice just for the sake of being nice and the Holiday Spirit eats all the non-happiness in the world or something! And there are flashing lights on every tree and every rooftop and it's so NICE. I love it! It's amazing!

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...yesterday. Was. Interesting. Haha, no, it was awesome. I was up at 3 am (note how it's 1 am now and I'm up...) and I sat around and did nothing. Had a phone call with Tim for a while...otherwise, I just kinda sat around and did nothing. When it was late enough, we went out to Taiji's! And yeah, I was there for most of the morning. We talked. A lot. And then we watched the beginning of 27 dresses, but I had to leave to go to Enterprise to get ourselves a car. And so we did!

We drove-thru Harvey's for lunch, which was cool. And then Annie picked me up for Sunday Math! Haha, okay, the freshmen this year are total newbs. They like fail...were we that stupid in freshmen year? Fan was right! It was mostly easy stuff, so whatever, I was happy. In any case, the ciphering time trial was...interesting. I did not know Massey did insane things like that but okay...

Heinrich grew. Not too substantially. TIGER GREW. SUBSTANTIALLY. I used to be able to look down at him! He's my height now! Like wtf? Seriously, and yeah, Daniel's still Daniel. Yining didn't go... :( I got to see Yifan though! She came back from Waterloo for break, so yeah, it's pretty cool.

Then I went to the mall with Taiji. And we ran around and labelled every single store that we wanted to revisit with money for Tuesday night because I think we're going out Tuesday night? I dunno, we're going out sometime though, and it'll be cool. We were supposed to go to someone's house for dinner, but it didn't really work out because I fell asleep! So yeah, that's why I'm up now.

I'm going to die today! I literally will be up for the next 23 hours because the reunion starts at 8pm and goes until midnight today...Gonna die! But Bex says it'll be fun to watch me be on drugs...I'll take her word for it. I also really hafta go to Timmy's today, or I will die. I live for that stuff!

In any case, LOVING IT HERE. Missin' my Shanghai peeps thou! Hope you guys are enjoying your break! Peace!

<3 - Jess

Heya! This is your short. And I wrote it on the plane on the way here, so if there are major spelling issues and stuff, it's because I was drugged up after 7 hours on a plane doing nothing...So yeah. I love you! Thanks for everything. <3

It was pouring outside. I kept my head down and my face hidden in my dripping wet hair. As I stepped into the warm entry way, Trey’s hands found their way to my face and tilted my chin up. I raised my eyes and found myself staring into a pair of worried warm hazel eyes, knowing that mine were probably bloodshot and swollen and more alarming than I could imagine. Without saying a word, he led me upstairs to his bedroom. The room had once fascinated me, its shape making it one of the oddest rooms that I knew of, but today, it was nothing more than just another room.

Keeping his hands on my shoulders, Trey directed me into his washroom. Unlike conventional white-tiled washrooms that resembled a hospital, Trey’s was tiled in varying shades of brown. It made the entire place duller but also a million times more inviting. I sat down on the rim of the shower basin as he pulled a towel off the rack and draped it across my shoulders. He left for a moment. I heard the creak of his closet door sliding open and then shut. He returned with a t-shirt, sweatpants, and a big school sweater.

Dropping the clothes on closed toilet seat, Trey sat down next to me. I kept my eyes glued to the flooring tiles. I assumed Trey was probably still inspecting me over, but I had no way of knowing without looking up. Looking down was probably best at this point anyways.

Knowing that I would make no move to do anything unless prodded into it, Trey wrapped his arms around me in an awkward and no doubt wet hug before lifting the towel off my shoulders.

“May, you’re gonna get pneumonia. I don’t care if you have objections at this point. Take a warm shower, get changed up, and you can crash here tonight if you feel like it, okay?”

He made a valiant attempt at nonchalance, but the concern very much showed through. Trey gave me a peck on the forehead before leaving me alone to clean myself up. I sat for probably another five or so minutes before I managed to drag myself up and turn the tap on. I was planning on showering quickly, so I could get back and talk to Trey, but once I was underneath the hot running water, all I wanted to do was stay. So I did.

I stood under the steaming stream for what could’ve been hours. It felt a little bit too hot, but I didn’t mind. It loosened up every rigid part of my body and quickly washed away the numb feeling that the icy rain had left me with. Surprisingly, my head stayed intact throughout the entire calming process. The warmth that replaced the cold physically did nothing for the rest of me, it merely gave me a reason to not think about what had happened earlier in the night, and as long as I had that, I was fine.

Knowing that I shouldn’t keep Trey waiting too long, I turned off the water as the hot water started running out and got dressed in his clothes. Everything was about four or five sizes too big, but I didn’t mind. I think he’s probably seen me dressed much much worse, some baggy clothes wouldn’t kill him, or me in that case.

When I finally stepped back into his bedroom, he was lying on his stomach on his bed, propped up on his elbows, sketchbook open. He didn’t look up as I walked over and sat down behind him, watching him work over his shoulders. After a few minutes of near silence, the only sound being that of graphite scratching against paper, Trey snapped his sketchbook shut, leaving his latest piece unfinished. He rolled over and I looked him in the eyes for the first time since I entered the house.

“So…” He began, “Wanna talk about it?”

His words ripped open the wound that the shower had managed to suture up some. As the tidal wave of emotions came crashing down on me, the tears began to poor again. I sat and cried, offering no explanation, knowing that it wouldn’t matter if those words came now or later. Trey sat up and moved over to my half of his bed, wrapping his arms around me again and kind of swaying me back and forth the way parents often did with young children. He smoothed down my hair with his hands and didn’t say a word the entire time. I was glad that he was the one person in the world who was willing to deal with me no matter what.

Eventually, when the tears died down enough for me to speak, I pulled back out of his embrace and took a few deep breathes. He never asked, or pushed for an explanation. He just waited until I was collected enough to speak. And then I let it all pour out. The irrational love. The irrational hate. The irrational me. The irrational everything and how stupid it all was and how much I wish none of it had happened. My voice was hoarse from crying and sore from god knows what, but I kept talking. I ranted and ranted and ranted until I drained every emotion from within me and had nothing left to say. He never interrupted, or even said a word. Just sat and nodded and held my hand when things got emotional.

When my speech finally ended, he started talking. He told me about strength, and love, and taking chances, and how even if you got hurt, it was worth it in the end. He told me about how much I was worth and how much I should value myself and how much he loved me. When he got to the part about the backstabbing loser my entire rant revolved around, he said little more than, “He didn’t deserve you anyways.” I’m sure that there was much more than those simple words going through his mind, but he was never the type to hate on people so publicly. It just wasn’t something Trey did. And when he was finished inflating my ego and restoring brightness and happiness to my life, he gave me another hug before hunting down a comforter for me.

“You can have the bed.” He said when he returned, arms loaded with a massive comforter and a pillow.

“Wait,” I interrupted, “Shouldn’t I be getting home?”

Trey chuckled. “May, it’s almost midnight. I called your mom earlier, she knows you’re here, it’s no big deal.” He dropped the stuff on the bed.

“Oh…” was my instinctive response. Then, “Thanks.” Although it was a bit delayed. I thought for a moment.

“Well in that case,” I suggested, “we can share the bed.”

Trey smiled. “Whatever you say, May.”

I laughed for the first time that night. It was like my entire life restarting itself, except that I was almost 100% sure that it would be loads better this time around.

I have no idea what inspired this one. The beginning paragraph I wrote after I read your comment on my other post of thank you's. And the rest just kinda came on the plane, so I guess boredom can be productive? The long and the short of it is, I love you. Thanks for putting up with me and sticking around when I needed it the most. You've always been the one I run to and you probably always will be. Thank you sooooooooooo much for everything! And stay. I won't survive the rest of high school without someone to remind me to stay relatively well-adjusted. I love you! <3

- Jess

WOAH! I IS IN CANADA! YAY!

Okay, so right now, it is 6:04 PM EST and I've been in Windsor for exactly 3 hours and 12 minutes. (We crossed the border mark at the bridge at exactly 2:52 PM. Yes, I checked. Yes, I'm a freak.)

Typing is going extremely slowly right now because I just got back from a 5 minute walk to Wal-Mart and my fingers are still thawing out. xD Yes, it's cold. There was a storm Friday and we've got around a foot and a half of snow which is awesome! And there's more on the way on Monday apparently! So I can't wait! It's like...7 or 8 below right now? Not too bad for this time of year...Still absurdly cold compared to Shanghai though...

Okay, so starting from the top. SO, the flight. It turns out that Carina and Melisa (both of them Pudong swimmers) were on the first half of my flight from Shanghai to Narita (Tokyo) and so was Rob! Not like I spoke to them though...I just kinda slept the entire time! :D

The stop of in Japan was...interesting. I taught my lil bro about vending machines and stuff and yeah...Flying back to Detroit kinda sucked. 11 hours on a plane suuuuuuuuuuuucks! But was totally worth it.

We got here, I called my bestie. She wasn't home, her mom asked me if I wanted to sleepover. I said tomorrow night because I'm dead beat tonight. I've been awake for like...almost 24 hours straight? Yeah, about to die. I'll pull and all-nighter with her tomorrow or something...

Then we went out for dinner and we visited Wal-Mart to stock up on some essential stuff (shampoo, gloves, etc. etc.) and then we walked home (which is currently the Comfort Inn on Dougall seeing as our house is empty and furniture-less). It was cold! My fingers are still frozen! But yeah, my little brother flung wet stuff at me the entire way, I almost died three times (slipping...ah the joys of black ice...) and I managed to break my jacket zipper, so I am going to freeze over the rest of break.

I think we're going to visit my old house tonight and see if it'll be practical to go back and spend Christmas at home...It's not the same since dad's not here, but it's better than spending it at a hotel. If not, we'll prolly spend Christmas at Taiji's or Annie's or something.

In any case, Giftie Class of '06-'07 Reunion at Bowlero on Monday, that will kick ass. And possible sleepover tomorrow! I am psyched, and I shall keep you guys updated!

Luvin' Canada but missin' you guys too! <3
- Jess

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, in case you didn't know, that was a good "ah". Like, ah I'm going home finally and I am PSYCHED! W00t! I can't wait. First place I'm going, Taiji's house. T, you have two options:

a) Let me crash at your place.
b) Crash at my hotel.

Either way, we are spending the entire night talking. And then I gotta visit Sarah and Yining and Annie and Susan L. and the Asian Brotherhood guys, and uh...yeah. Um, are we going to Bowlero? Cuz that's what we always do, and I don't see a point in breaking the tradition. Oh, and I need to go dress shopping for winter formal, so I'm dragging you guys along with me. Too bad Sam's heading back to India...We've traded continents. -sigh- Oh wells, I'll be back over summer, so I'll see you guys hopefully!

And um...we should have a group sleepover. The four of us, you know? Our lil group? Cuz life's not cool unless we do that! There'll prolly be no sleeping...but uh, that's okay right?

Haha, i luv you guys! <3

Can't wait to see y'all!

- Jess

Exam week is OVER! I am waaaaaaaaaaaaay happy about that. Like, I'm going to be seriously honest, even though I think I FAILED math today, I COULDN'T CARE LESS. Exams are over. Behind me. And I am going to move on.

We ran across an interesting fact today on the taxi ride home ("we" being me, Max, Connie, and Grace): It's almost a new year. Like a new beginning. Except...better? I've had my fair share of ups and downs this year, made friends, lost friends, been hurt, but survived it all. I don't have much to say now to everyone who's made this year amazing besides how much I love you. I love you guys so much that I can't even put it into words and I owe you guys everything for that.

Here's everything that I want to thank you guys for:

1) Standing by me. I know it's been tough for everyone. I'm selfish so I've been fence-hopping, trying to balance time between my friends, and believe me when I say that I know it's been tough on everyone. Thanks for sticking with me anyways. You guys have no idea how much that means to me. I appreciate it more than anything else.

2) Standing up for me. The self-righteous rants that we have are a great pick-me-up for me. Every time I'm down or unhappy, I always know that I have someone to run to, to cry to, to talk to. I love you guys for that, and it means a lot to know that there will always be a shoulder for me to cry on. And guys, I'll always be here too, for you, because I love you every bit as much as I know you guys love me.

3) Giving me a reason to live. Those few moments of everyday when I can be around you guys and just laugh and live, those are the moments that mean the world to me. You guys give me a reason to look forwards to tomorrow and a reason to stay sane and loving and happy. Thank you for everything.

4) For being. For being you. For being here. For being beside me. There are a million things that I owe to you guys and I can't possibly put them all into a blog post or words even, but they exist and I love you guys for it and I need to thank you guys for it.

I won't be seeing any of you until I come back from Canada, which means probably the next time we go to school. It makes me sad to think that this year is over, because despite how much I complain about it, I really did love and value every second of it. I'll miss you guys when I'm gone. If I had any doubt that I would return before, I do not any longer. The hold you guys have on me is unbreakable and permanent, so I guess you're stuck with me! You've given me a reason to accept living in this country, and no matter how much I hate it, I'll stay to stay by you. Thank you so much for EVERYTHING.

I love you guys. <3

- Jess

[Tomorrow is a new beginning.]